I will never again travel with old people. not even one.

On Sunday, we drove from the San Antonio airport hotel we stayed in to our timeshare condo. Naturally, my mom missed the turn from a major road onto a back road that would bring us the Wild Oak Ranch. Thankfully, we were able to correct the mistake easily (sometimes the GPS just can’t “recalculate” after one of Mom’s direction fumbles) and drive through a parking lot to get to the right road. As we turned, Mom said “Oh! There’s nobody on this road!” And there weren’t, but my sister and I could tell that too, seeing as we have functioning eyes. This may not seem annoying (yet), but allow me to continue.

 Yesterday, we missed that same turn. The only difference this time was my Aunt Shirley, who’s nearing 70, chirping incorrect directions at Mom. We drove the same parking lot. And Mom said, no joke – word for word, “Oh! There’s nobody on this road!” When my sister and I erupted in laughter, she just couldn’t understand why.

This is when the story gets really good. Corey called Mom old, mind you in a nice way. Something about how old people repeat themselves or along those lines. And Mom comes out with this little speech, “You know, its OK when I call myself old, but I don’t think its OK for you to say it.” Pause. “Just saying.”

Oh Mom, you are old. I hate to break it to her, but everything she does is old. She takes bus trips (she was, in fact, the inspiration for Corey’s post about bus trips). She wears shoes that velcro (but NOT Shape-Ups, I would never let her wear those, though Aunt Shirley does indeed own and wear these abominations). She reads menus and road signs aloud. She is SERIOUSLY confused by one-way roads. She asks Captain Obvious questions. For example, I fell on some very slippery stairs today. In my defense these Texans don’t have any anti-skid/slip strips on their cement stiars because it never rains. Except for when we’re here on vacation. So, I fell, caught myself, and stood up. Mom looked right at me, after watching everything happen, and goes, “What happened?” Um, what happened? You know exactly what happened! And thats what I said, followed by “Corey actually pushed me.” Mom didn’t think that was very funny, but it was.

Today, my sister and I walked all around downtown. There are a bunch of tourist attractions throughout the area and we trapsed over many many blocks. We ate lunch a 40-minute walk from where Mom and Aunt Shirley were, and asked them to pick up us there so we could get to the movies in time (We saw the Black Swan… its fucked up).

Corey talked to Mom on the phone when they were coming to get us. The conversation when a little like this:

Corey: So, you need to get to Flores and we can meet you on the road.

Mom: I don’t see that on the map.

Corey: Do you see the Market?

Mom: No.

Corey: Do you see Commerce Street?

Mom: No.

Corey: What do you see?

Abridged here.

Corey: So you see Houston Street?

Mom: Yea, we’ll meet you there.

Corey: No, but do you see Flores off of Houston?

Mom: Yes. But that’s another road, we don’t want to drive down another road. Are you at Houston yet?

Are you at Houston yet?? We were over a half hour away! It was just so funny. I literally walked down the street after Corey hung the phone up, laughing out loud. Then I would stop. And then start laughing again. It was just so funny.

There are SO many more stories I could share. And I will. Tomorrow.


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