I hate old people

Has it really been two weeks since we posted last? My apologies. Work has been crazy lately, but I should have more time to post in the up coming weeks.

I know this is a rather harsh statement, but… I hate old people. Perhaps I should clarify a bit. I don’t hate all old people… just the angry ones. In my experience there are two types of old people: the nice ones and the angry ones. Unfortunately, most old people fall into the angry category. I avoid angry old people at all costs; alas they always find a way to wreak havoc on my daily doings.

My first real experience with old people was during high school when I was waitressing at a local coffee shop (the Madison Coffee Shop to be specific. If you haven’t been there and you live near by… you should go. It is delicious. And old school). Old people do not tend to eat much, yet so many of them are overweight. This phenomenon has always intrigued me. Anyway, old people want to drink one million cups of decaf coffee. They want it to be hot, but not too hot, beaconing me to warm up or cool down their coffee multiple times throughout their ‘meal’. This act in it self is annoying, but then I am expected to toast their english muffin perfectly. Keep in mind, I am now serving someone with a grand total bill of $2.50. I do not want to spend an hour giving them ‘a little bit of hot’ coffee and re-toasting their english muffin with a side of SOFT butter… not to be confused with the easier to provide packets of butter we normally serve. Ugggg. Please, if you are old, just eat at home and leave all of the hard working waitresses alone. I would rather serve someone eating a real meal that is low maintenance and going to leave more than 25 cents for a tip!

In addition to frequenting mom and pop coffee shops, old people love going to chain coffee joints like Panera. I spend a lot of time in Panera during the fall thanks to my work schedule. Between the hours of 2 and 4 pm, Panera is hopping with old people. As previously mentioned, old people love drinking decaf coffee and eating like birds. Going to Panera in the afternoon is to an old person like going to the bar on a Thursday night is to a young person. The old ladies get all dolled up in their seasonally themed shirts, sweaters (because they are ALWAYS cold), and brooch to head out to Panera to meet their equally dressed up friends. Then proceed to order their meager meal, complaining that the bear claw is ‘too big’ and they ‘cannot possibly eat the entire thing’. They ultimately decided to each order a coffee and split a bakery treat. The check out process is then slowed because one of the old women has to pay her friend for her half of the pastry with nickels. Then they sit… FOREVER. And complain. They complain about young people (ironic, I know), and the prices of everything, and how their coffee keeps getting cold. Really anything is far game for old people to squawk about. Again, I try to avoid these types, but more often than not it is impossible to do.

The worst offense, in my mind, is the way old people drive. There should most definitely be an age where Americans are required to take another driving test. I would suggest the age of 60. If you have trouble seeing and/or hearing, you should not be on the road. But, to my dismay, old people continue driving until they are confined to a nursing home. They drive slow and are unpredictable. For example, if you are driving down a main street and see a car pull up on a side street, you assume they will wait until you have passed to make their turn. In this situation an old person would wait until you are closer and then slowly turn out in front of you. Now you have to slam on your brakes, shaking your fist at them because you realize you are now stuck driving behind their slow ass for the duration of your drive. Ugggg.

Thank you to whoever came up with the idea for bus trips. Large, chartered busses full of old people going to craft fairs, casinos, and antique road shows are a huge benefit to society. These bus trips take some of the country’s worst drivers and shuttles them around to their age appropriate locations with a trained driver. Although not all coach bus drivers are much better at driving than old people, this situation at least reduces the equation to one bad driver rather than 50. So thanks old-person-charter-bus-idea guy, for making our roads a little safer!



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