The Benefits of Drunkenness

First and foremost, I apologize for neglecting by blogging duties. My sister actually had to call me today to remind me I need to post. So, I am. And it is dangerously close to my bedtime… so I have to crank this out.

I recently celebrated my birthday. Although (in my old age) I don’t usually drink more than a glass or two of wine in one sitting, I went all out with a variety of cocktails beginning at an early hour on Sunday with a few good friends. Upon waking up, my contacts were dried to my eyes and my mouth tasted like an animal had crawled into it and died. How quickly I was reminded why I don’t binge drink any longer (college was a different story). During my two hour drive back from Boston I asked myself why do so many people get wildly drunk so often? I do have a fair amount of friends that still hit the bottle(s) hard on a regular basis. I came up with a few reasons why people, knowing the uncomfortable and usually smelly ramifications of a crazy night out, still choose to get wasted.

  1. Drunk texting / calling. In no way is calling your ex-boyfriend or girlfriend for a sloppy hook up acceptable on a Tuesday afternoon. It is acceptable, however, if you are drunk. The only stipulation to this rule is the timing. If you are day drinking and start dirty texting your old high school flame, he or she will not automatically assume you are intoxicated. So, my advice is to stick to drunk texting or calling in the wee hours of the morning. Then there will be no question as to how blackout you are. Also, try and call people from inside the bar. Background noise is key. Fortunately these actions do not require a post-morning apology text. It is understood what happened by both parties. This does, however, give the person on the receiving end one free pass to do the same to you.
  2. Making out with someone substantially less attractive than you. While normally your standards are pretty consistent, drunken dance floor make outs are completely acceptable with rather unattractive people. This typically occurs because your friends, who usually help you weed out the grenades and landmines (Thank you Mike ‘The Situation’ for these amazing descriptions), are equally as drunk as you. In this situation their hotness radar has also been compromised and they advise you to canoodle with someone who looks like they chewed on rocks when they were younger. Although this is an unfortunate scene, no one judges you because… you were drunk.
  3. Hooking up in a public place. If a guy asked me to grind up on him in an alley way after going out for lunch, I would gasp in disgust, walk away, and never talk to him again. If a guy pulled me into a ‘secluded’ area outside of a bar after 3 jager bombs and a number of blue moons, the situation is completely different. Although PDA may be on your ‘no no’ list when sober, the thrill of smooching up against a parked car or in a taxi back to someones apartment (to inevitably drink more adult beverages) is totally acceptable with a stomach full of beer. Just try to avoid anyone taking photos of this. You don’t want that evidence surfacing on facebook.
  4. Peeing the bed. When I mentioned this to a few non-college friends, they were appalled. Apparently where I went for undergrad was a special place because it was commonplace for a person, usually a guy, to wet the bed. Instead of billing the person for the cost of a new Sealy Posturepedic (which is what would happen to me if I peed the bed with some random in New Haven), my college friends would usually giggle and find a dry place to sleep while the sheets got washed. I am by no means condoning this outrageous behavior, but the truth of the matter is, if the person was drunk when it happened, the repercussions are much less than if sober.

After reading through my list, I realize this makes me sound like a tramp. This is not the case. And you know that you have found yourself in one (or all) of these situations before. Fortunately, as I get older, my drunken escapades have decreased and I typically do not participate in any of these activities. Just know I won’t judge you if you do! And hopefully you never end up like this girl:

~ CoCo

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