Spinning is just awkward

  My sister brings up some good points regarding appropriate gym attire. Women who do not wear bras at the gym bother me as well. When I lived in England, it was not uncommon for me to be the ONLY chick actively supporting my chest while working out. You can imagine the awkwardness… and the staring involved.

 Unfortunately, I think my sister would be displeased if she ever saw me at the gym. Thankfully we live about 20 minutes away from each other, hence belonging to different gyms. At LA Fitness, one of my favorite classes to take is spinning. The wonderful world of indoor cycling is an amazing workout. I tend to go on Mondays at 5:30 pm because Mario teaches the class and he is a spinning GOD. Although I love to get my workout on, there are a few things that make spinning rather awkward for me.

 1. An indecent amount of sweat is ejected from my body the second I walk into the spin room. I don’t know why, but it does. I typically wear spandex shorts and a tank top… don’t worry, I also wear a sports bra. The scandalous outfit is necessary because the more I wear, the more I sweat. You wouldn’t typically think this is a problem considering I am at a gym, however, too much sweat makes things difficult. My hands slide off the handle bars at inopportune moments. Sweat beads into my eyes and I am blinded. This makes me look crazy and unstable. Not good. But I will say, my sweat STAYS ON ME. I do not fling the sweat around, nor do I allow it to pool on the floor under my bike. All the sweat is absorded, for better or for worse, by my clothes.

 2. The old, sweaty, retired cyclist ALWAYS takes the bike next to me. This guy is usually in his 50s and wears a super tight cycling outfit. Yep, I said outfit. As in a one piece. His short little spandex shorts are connected to a spandex top with a zipper in the front. I quickly learned the zipper is used to open the top of the one-sie in an effort to expose gray chest hair and cool off. The ensemble is topped off with a pair of racing shades. The spandex leotard would not bother me that much, but sunglasses inside? Really? That is just extreme. The lights are off in the room for lord’s sake. Even if I was able to ignore this man’s attire, he inevitably starts sweating ON me 5 minutes into class. The worst offenders are the men who shake their hair during the ride. I can understand how that can cool him off, but unfortunately his nasty old man sweat then swings its way onto me. GROSS. You are NOT Fabio. Seriously, that is sooo disgusting. Oh, and these types of men typically feel they are too masculine for deodorant or something because they permanently smell like BO. So I spend most of the class gagging.

 3. The skinny bitches that don’t even break a sweat stare at me the entire ride in the creepy wall of mirrors. I am intrigued by their staring. I mean, they are thinner, tanner, and in better shape than me. Why waste your time judging me? I am no threat. If anything, I make you look better. These chicks just pedal away flaunting their tight asses and toned legs with a full face of perfect make up on. I, on the other hand, am sweating from every orifice on my body and hold a constipated look on my face the entire hour. Perhaps they are amused by how hard I am working out and how large I still am. Can’t blame them. I have those thoughts as well, but really, giving me the stink eye in the mirror just distracts me. I would be much more entertaining if those broads would prey on someone else with their judging eyes.

 4. Things can get a little, ahem, exciting. Lots of spin instructors play pop music, mostly because the beat is conducive to a fast paced spin workout. But every now and then an instructor will play a college throw back song.  I graduated in ’07 so by throw back I mean Nelly’s ‘Hot in Herre’ or Usher’s ‘Yeah’. Suddenly I am envisioning myself in a frat basement grinding up on some guy dressed head to toe in Vineyard Vines. Or fist pumping with a guy dressed in a Natural Light box at an ‘Anything But Clothes’ mixer. A flashback to a 2 am dance floor make out with a Phi Sig brother is enough to turn anyone on. With the added spin motions, especially during a sprint workout getting in and out of the saddle… things can get pretty exciting… if you know what I mean. Just when I think the wet spot on my neck is a hickey from my newest frat-tastic boy toy, I realize it is sweat blasting off the old man to my right and attempt to suppress my urge to vomit.

 Even though all of those things occur during a typical spin class, I continue to go every week. The work out is too good to pass up. Just remember, if you see a super sweaty girl in spandex at the gym, don’t judge her. You never know what she just went through. ~ Coco


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