I often find myself saying and listening to such complaints/far-fetched wishes as “If there were more hours in the day, I could get everything I needed to do done” or “If I could be in more than one place at once, my life would be so much easier.”
Before I explain the end-all, be-all of these phrases, I have to thank my high school friends for countless hours imagining and laughing about this topic. I also have to thank First Aid Jack for bringing up some of the logistical questions that have thoughtful and hilarious answers while we were in the car last week.
“If only I have more hands! I could carry so much more and me so much more efficient.”
Which brings us to the subject of much laughter in the past four years of my life: Head Hands. What if we all have an extra hand? And what if that hand came out of not our torso, but our head instead? And what if instead of being like a regular ‘ol hand, this head hand had a mind of its own? (After all, it would be attached directly to your brain.)
Imagine it: You’re walking around a store in the mall minding your own business, maybe browsing the sweater section, maybe trying to find a different store to shop in, when the loss-prevention security goes off. You look around at the people near you to see who the sticky-fingered low-life is that’s trying to steal something, and find everyone is staring at YOU. A security guard approaches you, asks what exactly you think you’re doing. You’re not doing anything, actually, except standing there. Until the guard pulls a stolen garment from the clutches of one of your hands. You scream out, “But I didn’t do it! My head hand did!” — And so would be a common occurence in a world with head hands who do what they want with little regard for their hosts. Because what could you do to your head hand to punish it? Short of amputating it, you could do absolutely nothing.
Speaking of, how weird would it be to have an amputated head hand? You’d have a stump on your head! On the bright side, it couldn’t steal or do other unethical acts without your knowledge. Because we all know that head hands are the worst kind of hand. Always trying to grab hold of things, holding so tightly to a ceiling fan chain that you either can’t more forward or pull the whole thing straight out of the roof. Or hitting the person next to you in class. Or hitting YOU in class. Head hands, man, their bad news.
I guess head hands could be useful too, though. Like when you have not only books to carry, but folders full of papers and your cell phone and maybe even a hot coffee. Your extra hand could be kind enough to grab the things that the other hands couldn’t hold. Or in true head hand fashion, it could pour your coffee on you or turn the folder upside down so papers fly everywhere.
Head hands are like dogs, you have to train them well. If you neglect it, it won’t love you. If you take it to get manicures and let it lay out in the sun every once in a while, it’ll be happy to help out any time. You have to start at a young age to get the best results. Speaking of age, do you think that head hands would be there when you were born or perhaps grow in during puberty? I vote the latter; it would make pubescence even funnier and more awkward.
Would head hands be left or right? After all, they’re in the middle, not to either side. I think it would be fair to say that head hands could be either, depending on a person’s dominance. But what if they didn’t have any thumbs because they weren’t like normal hands? What if they only had four fingers? Or five, but you have two pinky fingers!? How much of an arm would be attached to said hand? Would there be another elbow? These are only questions God could answer when and if he finally chooses to create a more advanced race.
You’d have to be very careful with your head hand. It might hit door jambs. Or get caught in a closing door. It would probably be at a higher risk of sunburn and skin cancer because its closer proximity to the sun. Ceiling fans would pose a threat, along with ceiling lights that get hot and can cause burns. The precautions to take if you had a head hand are endless, really.
I could do on for hours about head hands and how strange, funny, and useless they could be, but I’ll leave it at this for now. I have one last shout out though. Ted just started blogging for Open House NY and you can read his first entry here: http://blog.ohny.org/2011/08/02/field-trip-friday-pleasure-beach/ I’ve been to the place that he talks about and its just as eerie and awesome as he makes it out to be. READ IT!